Mary Coughlan

There are several ways to measure success in political office; procuring fundamental change for the betterment of society is nice and stuff, but if that isn't happening (and it's a lot of bother, when you need to focus on the important stuff, like filing out extravagant expenses claims) try to land a really cool nickname instead.

This guarantees you immortality and/or notoriety: just ask such political giants as Abraham 'Honest Abe' Lincoln, Richard 'Tricky Dicky' Nixon, Margaret 'The Iron Lady' Thatcher. Or Tánaiste Mary Coughlan, AKA 'Calamity Coughlan'.

The broadsheet mafia rechristened the Donegal TD after a series of mishaps culminating in her ill-advised summit with Ryanair chief Michael O'Leary.

The Irish Times, seeking a piece of the action, suggested 'Mediocre Mary' as an alternative. Oh dear. At best, a nickname immediately suggests its possessor is, at the very least, a bit of an 'auld character'. How can we be angry at Bertie, after all, sure wasn't he the Teflon Taoiseach? The anemic middle-managers passing themselves off as the current cabinet are desperately in need of a massive PR overhaul – we'd suggest the immediate appointment (at a massive cost to the taxpayer, naturally) of an expert team of nickname consultants, assembled from the nation's finest newspaper columnists. Before long, Brian 'Cool Cat' Cowen and his team of desperados ('Bad-Boy' Barry Andrews, Noel 'Fortycoats' Dempsey and Batt 'The Dark Shite' O'Keeffe) will have the nation back on track.