In American schools, the holding of bake sales for worthy causes is as much a staple of academic life as homework. On a given day each semester, parents send their children into the canteen, laden with home-made pastries and cakes of all shapes and sizes. These are then sold off and all the money raised goes to the charitable concern of the moment. The kids learn the concept of philanthropy. Mothers and fathers get to showcase their culinary skills. And much-needed cash is sourced quickly and easily. Well, that's how it used to be.

A lot of principals have been forced to ban bake sales altogether or to impose rigorous rules about the type of produce that can be sold during them. If the fairy cake or the chocolate chip cookie contains too much fat, transfat, sugar or sodium, it can't come into the building. The students are already too fat and in the war against obesity the corridors of the schools have become the frontline. What can be eaten there is now strictly enforced. Many call this a sensible dietary policy but for some it is more evidence of the nanny state gone berserk.

In the nanny state, see, the authorities always know best. Whether it's the over-reaching feds down in Washington, the busybodies on the local town council, or the aparatchniks on the school board, there's always a higher power willing to tell people what's good for them. Never mind freedom of choice. Ignore that old canard about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. All that matters here is that rather than allow each of us a measure of personal responsibility and the ability to do the right or wrong thing, they'd prefer to legislate for every aspect of our lives, from the mundane (bars banning swearing) to the ridiculous ("no running" signs in playgrounds).

"We've built the freest and most dynamic society the world has ever seen," wrote David Harsanyi in his evocatively-titled book Nanny State: How Food Fascists, Teetotaling Do-Gooders, Priggish Moralists, and other Boneheaded Bureaucrats are Turning America into a Nation of Children. "To let these lightweight babysitters take over would be absurd, self-destructive and categorically un-American."

If that sounds a little over the top, take a sample of these.

Close, but no cigars

As of 1 April, it is illegal to smoke or chew tobacco within 25 feet of another person in any of Seattle's many parks. In a part of the US where the outdoors lifestyle is most popular, it is now an offence for two people to light up while standing next to each other. Never mind that they are outside in the open air. Forget the fact they are both wanting to inhale tobacco at the same time. They must stand far enough apart as to be conforming to the new restriction. No word yet on whether

park rangers will be patrolling with a tape measure (in a kind of weird homage to the old nuns in the dance halls of Ireland) in order to find miscreants flouting the law.

Woof justice

Having renamed pets "companion animals" and their owners as "guardians", San Francisco has a whole raft of laws governing the proper treatment of dogs. Every mutt is entitled to, amongst other things, a supply of clean water in a non-spill bowl located in a shaded area. They must also receive food that is "wholesome, palatable, and nutritious". Failure to comply with these strictures can lead to neglectful owners being fined $1,000 or, after repeat offences, sentenced to one year in jail. In all of this, the only unanswered question is how exactly the dogs manage to report any such mistreatment (water bowl left only half in shade, etc) to the relevant authorities.

No junk with junk food

The Board of Supervisors in Santa Clara County, California (an area most of us know as Silicon Valley), last month voted in favour of banning the distribution of free toys with children's meals. Reckoning young kids were too content with happy meals that came with a useless piece of inevitably movie-themed junk, these trinkets can no longer be handed out with food that is more than 485 calories or which contains in excess of 600mg of sodium. "This ordinance breaks the link between unhealthy food and prizes," said Supervisor Ken Yeager, the man behind the plan. "Obviously, toys in and of themselves do not make children obese. But it is unfair to parents and children to use toys to capture the tastes of children when they are young and get them hooked on eating high-sugar, high-fat foods early in life." The sound you hear in the background is a nation of children crying.

Hey gringo

Last month, Arizona passed a law giving police the right to stop anybody they suspect of being illegally in America, to demand proof of their identity, and to arrest them if they don't have a green card in their wallets. If you look tanned and Mexican and are illegally living in the country, you better start learning to live in the twilight of society and to try to keep one step ahead of the law. Otherwise you are going home. Fast. It's estimated that half a million of America's 12 million illegal aliens live in Arizona and this new law – which hasn't yet taken effect and is subject to constitutional challenges – is designed to rid the state of them as quickly as possible. Much like with every immigration story in this nation, people are divided. Some see it as evidence that one state is finally taking the issue seriously and taking steps to send home those who have come in over the southern border to exist on the fringes. Others see it as a modern kind of apartheid, replete with racial profiling.

We don't fall down

At Acacia Elementary School in Phoenix, Arizona, Christine Hollingsworth, the principal, has prohibited the children from playing tag in the playground during lunch hour and ruled that they can only play "shadow tag". This means that when chasing each other around the yard, a student must never touch his or her target but can declare somebody caught only by stepping on their shadow. If Acacia is a peculiar institution where high-fiving is also banned in favour of something called "air-fiving" (lest they hurt each other in the act), the move away from traditional kids' games is part of a nationwide craze critics fear will eventually lead to the wussification of America. Among the other popular initiatives out there is a beauty where boys and girls jump rope without actual ropes so they won't feel foolish when they trip up. A great idea that ignores how foolish they must feel when jumping invisible ropes.

Shurely shome mishtake

Last year the Texas Alcohol Beverage Commission put a halt to a series of undercover operations where its agents had been staking out bars and arresting people for, you guessed it, being drunk. Originally conceived as a way for officers to identify drunk drivers before they got into their cars and did damage on the highways, this scheme morphed into something completely different. Too many of the undercover officers began arresting people for being publicly intoxicated inside pubs. While this was regarded as the actions of a police state and infringement of civil liberties (surely Texans have the right to get tipsy!), the operation was only shut down because a couple of the agents got wasted and were indicted for touching up women.

The crackdown

In the town of Mansfield, Louisiana, it is an offence punishable by up to 14 days in jail for anybody to wear sagging pants that allow their underwear to be seen in public. The sight of pants being worn at half-mast is such a common occurrence on the streets of America that Barack Obama even addressed it on the campaign trail two years ago. "Brothers should pull up their pants!" said the then-presidential candidate, during an interview on MTV, the perfect place to make such a bold pronouncement. Obama may have bigger fish to fry in Washington just now but plenty of other state and local governments are considering bringing in rules about how trousers should be worn. That some lawyers have argued showing y-fronts is a constitutional right perfectly captures how bizarre this argument is.

Menace to sobriety

Over 18 million Americans still live in so-called dry counties. These regions make up 10% of the country and are places where the local governments have outlawed the sale, and, in some cases, even the possession of alcohol. A hangover (for want of a less inappropriate word) from the prohibition era of the 1920s and '30s, these regulations are strictly enforced, especially in the south. The situation is so bizarre that in a state like Kentucky, towns can be described as either 'dry', 'wet' or 'moist'. If that wasn't strange enough, there are also counties where bars and liquor stores can't open their doors on Sunday because of long-standing Christian Blue laws designed to preserve the morality of the people. Whiskey on a Sunday indeed.

Saving soles

As of last year, bowling alleys in Illinois are required to post visible signs near all entrances and exits warning customers that bowling shoes are "specialised footwear" and are only designed to be worn inside the premises. State senators voted overwhelmingly in favour of this precaution because of the need to prevent bowlers from going outside and slipping in inclement weather due to the inadequate grip on the soles. During the course of the debate in the Illinois legislature, Senator Donne Trotter, a Democrat from Chicago, denied an allegation from the Republican side of the house that she also wanted bowlers to be made to wear helmets while inside the alley. A whole new meaning to the term gutter ball.

The drugs don't work

New Hampshire, a state where the number plates on every car famously bear the legend 'Live Free or Die', is currently considering a law mandating that all those receiving public assistance face regular drug-testing. Yup, if you are on welfare, the dole, or disability benefits, you will be asked to undergo a random urine test. Should your sample indicate that you've smoked a joint or indeed taken anything stronger in the recent past, the state reserves the right to ban you from receiving any food stamps or cheques for two years.

Retribution contributions

Following the recent passage of controversial legislation designed to transform healthcare in America by making it more affordable for all, it will soon be a criminal offence not to buy health insurance. As of 1 January, 2014, in one of the law's more bizarre stipulations, any citizen who fails to splurge several hundred dollars per month on a policy will be liable to a fine of $695 or 2.5% of their annual income, whichever is higher. There is predictable outrage at this given that younger people prefer not to pay a huge portion of their income on insurance they scarcely use at that point in their lives. By some estimates, around four million Americans will choose to remain outside the system and pay the penalty when the government catches them rather than endure the punitive monthly insurance bill.

Control salt delete

While a national debate about America's intake of salt has been going on for nearly two years, New York state assemblyman Felix Ortiz took the discussion to a whole new level when he called for the white stuff to be banned completely from restaurants. "It's time for us to take a giant step," said Ortiz upon unveiling this idea back in March. "We need to talk about two ingredients of salt: healthcare costs and deaths." Chefs around Manhattan are up in arms and a counter-movement has already taken flight to protest a proposal that would see offending kitchens punished with fines of $1,000 each time they sprinkle the condiment on a meal.

Butt out

In Brooksville, Florida, Mayor Lara Bradburn wants all city employees to give up smoking or face the sack. Anybody who works for the local authority and smokes has a year to give up the deadly tobacco habit or head for the door. Bradburn justifies this drastic measure by pointing out that since the town pays for these people's health insurance it's entitled to demand that they do their utmost to look after themselves. In a place that has previously mandated that all public sector workers must wear deodorant and underwear when on duty (no, seriously), the biggest surprise came when the city council refused to endorse the law.

Lo-cal Big Apple

Since 2008, chain restaurants operating in New York's five boroughs are required to post calorie counts alongside every item on their menus. Whether it's a cappuccino at Starbucks, a chocolate frosted with sprinkles at Dunkin Donuts, or a plate of ribs at TGI Fridays, a three- or (shock, horror) sometimes four-figure number appears alongside the item. Designed to inform you exactly how much you are eating and/or kill the mood when you are about to quaff down something delicious and unhealthy, the local authorities justified the move as part of their ongoing attempts to battle an obesity epidemic among the population. Next up on the agenda as part of the city's ongoing food wars, Mayor Mike Bloomberg (aka the Nanny King) wants to impose a 16 cent tax on Coke, Pepsi and any fizzy drink. No word on whether Big Apples will be replaced by medium-sized, healthier portioned apples at some point in the near future.