We all have negativity in our minds.'I should have worn a different outfit.'
'Why did I do that?' 'I need to lose 10 lbs.' We need to learn to replace all this chatter with thoughts that give us a sense of peace, power and love. The tools to do this are relatively simple:
you just need to keep repeating them when new situations come up in your life.
One of my biggest teachers was Viktor Frankl in his book 'Man's Search for Meaning'. He had experienced the concentration camps, the worst that life could offer, and he came out of that saying that the one thing nobody can take away from you is your reaction to whatever happens to you.
When I had cancer over 20 years ago, I lay in bed and said, 'Susan, are you going to be the victim? Or are you going to say, OK, I'm going to take this experience and make something great out of it?' I was just dating my husband Mark, and the cancer created such a bond between us that we decided we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. And I asked myself what could possibly have contributed to my having cancer, and realised I had to deal with all my anger and learn how to open my heart.
Cancer taught me that sexuality had nothing to do with the breasts. Mark used to call me the One-Tit Wonder.
People ask me is the difference between my first and second marriages about the difference between the men. And I say no: it's because I'm so different now. The way I was, I couldn't have made it work with anyone. I was mean and I had affairs, and so did my ex-husband . . . I'd never do that now. All it was was an avoidance of the problems that were there.
I used to be into blaming everyone except myself.
I had to learn to pick up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass.
Some people never get beyond the playpen with their emotions. Children are very needy . . . they'll be loving as long as they get their way. We have to grow up in order to be able to love properly.
'Enchanted love', 'love at first sight' . . . this attraction will absolutely wear off. Some of the best relationships I know, including my own, are ones where there was no initial attraction. Mark and I were seeing each other for about eight months, and one day it just happened.
There are no guarantees in life. The only one is that whatever happens, you will handle it.
The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to do it. Is there anything I'm still afraid to do? To stop working so hard!
'The Feel The Fear Guide to Lasting Love' is out now, published by Vermilion www. susanjeffers. com