Oh but I'm some twit. There must be a serious want in me. I sent my email password and DOB to con artists who pretended to be from Eircom. I know, I know, but Eircom were redesigning their website and the spamsters told me my account would be closed if I didn't give the info.

The false email was signed by Roberts Stella (Mrs). It sounds so official. You'd never think a woman with a name like that would ever wrong anyone. It's no excuse though. I am a gom, a luder and a certified amadán.

And here I am, Reverend Know All, preaching on the back page. The pulpit should be kicked out from under me.

The hijackers and hackers somehow used my email address to send out hundreds of bogus emails to punters informing them they had won £1,317,433. All the recipients had to do, promised the hijackers, was to forward on personal details to the gangsters' website and the £1,317,433 would be sent directly to their accounts by the Royal Bank of Scotland.

You would think no one would fall for that sad old scam but the scary thing is one of the recipients of the bogus email was a certain billyjesus1234. The 1234 bit in the address leads me to believe there are more billyjesuses out there, and were they all forwarded the bogus email? Anyone that cracked is bound to fall for the con and, as the email was sent out in my name, will I be liable?

Coincidentally or not, the Royal Bank of Scotland was taken over by Gordon Brown the day after the fraudulent emails were sent out and the chief executive resigned the day after that. Did I bring down the RBS singlehandedly?

Will I be extradited to England and charged with conspiracy to defraud banks, punters and billyjesuses? I know I am innocent of all charges other than being an absolute eejit, but will the British authorities believe me?

I have no trust in the British judicial system. Look what they did to the Birmingham Six and the Guildford Four. And Jeffrey Archer won his case the first time. I could finish up in Dartmoor in solitary for 15 years; I'd be too ashamed to share a cell with anyone.

It would be good enough for me. Don't even bother to start a campaign to free the Tribune One.