What John McCain said...

• This morning, I dismissed my entire team of advisers. All of their positions will now be held by a man named 'Joe the Plumber'.

• Joe the Plumber recently signed a very lucrative contract with a wealthy couple to handle the work on all seven of their houses.

• Even in this room full of proud Manhattan Democrats, I can't shake the feeling that some people here are pulling for me... I'm delighted to see you, Hillary.

• We all know Senator Obama is ready for any contingency, even a sudden and dramatic market rebound. I'm told that at the first sign of recovery, he will fly immediately to Washington to address this crisis.

... and Barack Obama

• What you may not know is that Barack is actually Swahili for 'That One'. And my middle name is not what you think. It's actually Steve.

• Contrary to rumours, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father, Jor-El, to save Planet Earth.

• John McCain is on to something. There was a point in my life when I started palling around with a pretty ugly crowd. These guys were serious deadbeats, they were lowlifes, they were unrepentant, no-good punks. That's right: I've been a member of the United States senate.