Vice president Dick Cheney was admitted to a hospital earlier today, abnormal heart rhythm. But he's doing fine. He's already sitting up, sneering at nurses David Letterman

Sarah Palin had her motorcade stop at a Wal-Mart so she could buy a bag of diapers. That's true. Palin said she wouldn't have made the stop for diapers, but John McCain's completely out

Conan O'Brien

Josh Brolin, who plays President Bush in the new movie W', says at first he wasn't sure he should take the role because it would be such an acting challenge. Brolin says he prepared for the role by getting up every day, running five miles, and then bashing himself in the head with a hammer O'Brien

Barack Obama unveiled his economic plan this week. Obama said the one word in everybody's mind is j-o-b-s. Immediately afterwards, President Bush accused Barack of talking in some kind of secret code

Jay Leno

Well, the market went down over 700 points today. Oh, that reminds me, we turn the clocks back soon. We're turning it back to 1929, I believe Leno

The Lord is on John McCain's side. After all, he's led a very Biblical life. Like his namesake Cain, he is not afraid to go negative on a brother. Like John the Baptist, he paved the way for the new Messiah, Sarah Palin, and like Moses, he takes advice from a Bush who is going up in flames

Stephen Colbert

They began filming a porno movie this week called Nailin' Palin. They've hired a woman who looks like Governor Palin to star in this movie. They expect a lot of guys to go see it. The porn movie nobody wants to see? Ridin' Biden Leno

Apparently, this group Acorn has been charged with putting phony names on voter registration cards, including Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse was registered to vote in Florida. Is that so bad? I mean, Goofy has been president for the last eight years Leno

Do you think President Bush really understands any of this stuff? Today, he was asked about General Motors. And he said, "I think he's doing a fine job in Iraq" Leno

Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking, well sure, in three months he'll be out of office Letterman