Any bank named after a woman's private parts couldn't have much luck. Fanny and Freddie are being blamed for all our woes but the real cause of our problems is that the fundamentals are not right.

It's time to cull the 10 Commandments, in the national interest. Apologies in advance for the odd bit of blasphemy, but it's all for the betterment of The Life of Brian Lenihan, who undoubtedly needs all the help he can get. I suppose we could outsource the commandments, but I am more in favour of cutbacks and pruning.

1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife. We were taught this stuff when we were six and so we had little interest in our neighbour's wives, particularly as none of the lads in the class was married. I got it wrong in Senior Infants and right up until now I was sure the rule was 'thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's wife' ,which of course is a different thing altogether and has all sorts of links with stud farms.

Now that I know the correct version I notice there's no mention of it being a sin to covet your neighbour's husband? This one is sexist and therefore in breach of the equality legislation. Cut and delete.

2 -3. Thou shalt not adore false Gods and another one a bit like it. Mick O' Leary features here with the thousands of ¤1 flights to Alicante in September and October. Mick is now the Sun God.

There's another one about taking the name of the Lord in vain. So when you back the new car into the parking meter and you exclaim 'oh sweet adorable Mick O' Leary' , it's technically a sin. What with tour operators falling like conkers we'll never again see the sun if Mick is denied his place in the firmament. Both repealed.

4. Thou Shalt not steal. Henceforth amended to read 'Thou Shalt Not Steal, except from the EU, the government and the wife's handbag or husband's pockets.'

5. Honour the Sabbath. When the Poles go back we will nearly have more at poetry readings than at the 11 o'clock said by the slow priest. No point in keeping this one or the shops will have to close and look at all the money it will spare IBEC on overtime.

6. Thou Shalt not Kill. I wonder could we lift this one just temporarily. I'm as worn as the hand of the dead man everyone shakes in St Michan's crypt. The Listowel Races is just over and the exhaustion has me at death's door. Nearly everyone was nice, but I would love to do in the man who tried to head butt me after I had the cheek to bar him for attempting to urinate at the counter. And if you're reading Dead Man Walking, the woman sitting at the counter said you have a very small willie.

7. Adultery. No need for this one. If you get caught your spouse will be so fired up, he/she will get the big half of everything. That's more than enough of a sanction.

8. And another covet one is thou shalt not covet thy neighbours' goods. I get very jealous when I see the neighbours wallowing in the hot tub on the balcony of the 23 bedroom crib, and only the one child. And I'm dying for the crystal palace of a conservatory like the bitch in No 232. Although, as a rule, people with big huge houses don't have any number on them. But what harm is there in a bit of coveting? Its very good for the economy. This one should be done away with.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. Haven't a notion what this one means, so like the Lisbon Treaty we will vote it down.

10. Honour thy father and mother. I always have a drink to the oul' fella's memory at Listowel Races . He loved our big week and we miss him at times like this. As for my mother, you have to honour her. It's very sad though. She's 79 and has to cut down on her workload in the bar. The poor woman only puts in 14 hours a day.

On the recount I notice 10 is the only one left. Maybe I went too far and The Church might want in on collective bargaining.