The train from Kerry to Dublin last weekend was packed and it was a day's work to get down the aisles. The passengers, especially the older ones, made the fatal error of waiting until Heuston Station to go to the toilets. It was carnage.

Irish Rail charged 30c to get in past the football turnstiles. Now if it was 50c there would only be one coin needed, but 30c meant a scramble for two coins. Pale men hopped from foot to foot as if they were standing on hot coals and women who are usually better at holding on literally went on their knees and resolved to find time in the future to squeeze in pelvic floor exercises. There were about 80 people in the queue and naturally I was at the back.

One older woman from Cork told me she was fit to collapse. I was in a bad way myself and her nonstop blather made me even worse. Between the two of us we eventually managed the 30c and squeezed in the turnstile. It was a tight fit and we got stuck in the turnstiles, face to face. She smiled and said, "It's the most fun I've had in ages." Eventually we pushed through and did our bit of business. I suppose we're fare dodgers now.

I'd say Irish Rail makes thousands out of catching people who get caught short. I'll bet when Ryanair read this they'll be charging to go to the toilet too with online booking, priority boarding and a surcharge if it's a number two.

And while the Heuston toilet didn't speak like the plush toilets in the lovely new train that brought us to Dublin last weekend, at least it was clean. The boneshaker from Dublin to Limerick on Monday last was filthy, but the toilets were free. They were interactive with pedals on the floor. You had to stand on the pedals to flush and wash.

A sign warned the water was not fit for drinking, which led me to the assumption I was washing my hands in a liquid with more Legionnaire's Disease than in the knocking shop in Beau Geste.

There was another sign in the cubicle which stated that passengers were not allowed to use the toilets while the train was stopped at the station. Surely the notice should have read, "Do not flush the toilets at station." I wonder how many compliant people suffered over that order when the train took ages to empty? The artist that used to be known as CIE will do for all our kidneys yet. bkeane@tribune.ie