Picture this, folks. It's winter. It's cold. You're broke. That extra pay cut means you can't go out at the weekend, never mind midweek. The kids are moaning, you're moaning, everyone on the radio is moaning. You're sick of it all. You collapse on the couch, grab the remote, and hope the box cheers you up in these dreary times. It's the height of RTÉ's post-summer new programme binge. Karl Spain comes on roaring about his search for 'Ireland's greatest hard rock band' in the new show Karl Spain Wants To Rock! Your life slowly ebbs away... Yes, it's that time again; as if the world couldn't get any more rubbish, RTÉ released their new programming schedule last week to gasps of incredulity.

Of course, it's easy to slag RTÉ's TV scheduling, what with its desperate programming decisions, lowest common denominator ideas, comedy programmes run by a cabal of repeat offenders, and nicked formats from abroad. The state broadcaster constantly scowls at the media for giving it stick, citing lack of resources, dwindling budgets and 'we're not the BBC' nark attacks. But there's no excuse for this latest crop of dirge.

Steve Carson, the new director of programming, made it clear that he didn't want production companies pitching ripped-off ideas from British broadcasters. So they've gone one better and come up with completely original, awful formats of their own. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you PJ's Big Ride: PJ Gallagher competes in this year's Irish Clubman's Track Race in Mondello Park and Baz's Culture Clash: Baz Ashmawy takes an at times humorous, and at times dark journey into six very different worlds. Don't worry, there are plenty more to choose from. How about The Savage Eye: a satirical and often surreal examination of subjects close to the hearts of the Irish people with Dave McSavage. Presumably McSavage won some sort of 'Ireland's Unfunniest Man' reality TV show that I missed during the summer, with helming this programme as his prize.

Even those outside of the 'comedy' and 'entertainment' categories – and yes, I know, RTE is playing very fast and very loose with the words 'comedy' and 'entertainment' – are mostly awful. RTÉ seem to have mistaken the concept of 'factual programming' for ATOMIC BOREFEST. And so we have Does God Hate…?: Marian Finucane chairs a series of lively studio discussions, in which she asks people from a variety of faiths. Does God hate… sex, science, women and peace', (they forgot the special episode, 'Does God Hate Me, For Putting Me Through This Televisual Experience?'), a four-part series on seahorses, and possibly the most mind-numbing concept ever to grace our television sets, The Presidency: "the interests, alliances and rules of the game among the 27 heads of state who will elect the first president of the EU."

Surely there has to be some vague public interest or purpose to programming from the state broadcaster. Can someone please tell me the validity of Podge & Rodge's Stickit Inn, or Victoria and Shane's Garden: follows rock wife Victoria Mary Clarke as she tries to get husband Shane MacGowan to live the good life?

You couldn't make most of these new titles up. Actually, let's play... The New RTE Schedule: You Couldn't Make It Up! Here are some I'd like to see; 'Man In The Mooney': Derek Mooney trains as an astronaut to fulfil a childhood dream. 'Sticks and Stones' – previously confidential in-house discussions about the Afternoon Show disciplinary case between Blathnaid Ni Chofaigh and Sheana Keane go on camera, with George Hook staring as Judge Georgey. 'Goosey Lucy' – Lucy Kennedy lives with geese for nine weeks on a farm somewhere in the Midlands. Oh yes, you laugh now, but chances are, at least one of these programme ideas will probably appear in the next schedule shake up.

Of course, it's not all so tragic. Even though the awfulness of most of the scheduling weighs out anything good, the observational documentary, The School filmed over a year, and Growing Up Gay seem promising. A new instalment of the excellent 'Pure Mule' is welcome, if not just rehashing a success. Pat Kenny's new vehicle, 'The Frontline' should get him back to where he belongs – discussing hard news and serious issues, and 'Addicted To Money' will at least give David McWilliams another opportunity to rub his 'I TOLD YOU SO' placard in our faces.

Only one question really arises out of this new rash of programming: can you ask to be disconnected from RTE so (a) you don't have to pay a TV license to fund this crap and (b) you don't have to risk the horror of stumbling across 'Karl Spain Wants To Rock' some rainy night a couple of months down the line.

umullally@tribune.ie