MONDAY

America sneezes and the rest of the world catches a cold; Mexico sneezes and the world catches a fright. The World Influenza Centre's Dr Alan Hay feverishly ups the ante saying the outbreak of swine flu could become a pandemic. Reports say the virus has claimed 103 lives in Mexico. Dr Tony Holohan, chief medical officer at the Department of Health, warns any recent travellers just back from Mexico, Texas or California to stay indoors and call a doctor. Workers just out of bed hear the news with interest. Could that tickly cough and extreme tiredness be a symptom of the deadly strain? Maybe best to turn off the bad news, phone work with suitably husky voice, and head back to the leaba...

TUESDAY

Don't stand too close, and don't shake hands. But Naoise Nunn, the former executive director of Libertas, says he still gets on with Declan Ganley, describing his former boss as "a very personable guy". Nunn, one of the previous architects of the No campaign, has had a change of heart about the Lisbon treaty. He's "glad" Ireland has another shot at the vote, but he won't be "washing dirty linen in public". Why did he use the term "dirty linen" in reference to Libertas? "I don't want to be specific. They are people I worked with. I don't want to hurl abuse." But the OPW needs to watch out – Garda Representative Association president Michael O'Boyce is not only hurling abuse at the state body, but also calling for its abolition because of "blundering incompetence". Just how many euro does it take to change a garda station light bulb? The answer is €1,100 to replace three when the OPW is factored in. And Mr O'Boyce is seemingly not joking...

WEDNESDAY

100 equals 69% – that's the equation of president Obama's days in office and his public approval rating. He won't be needing any paracetamol just yet, then. His leadership is likened to "the serene centre of the cyclone – exuding calm when most Americans are petrified". The EU wishes those petrified about swine flu would refer to it as something else. Anxious to protect the pork industry, EU Health Commissioner Androulla Vassiliou says "we have decided to call it novel flu from now on". The World Health Organisation is sticking to the official name: 'H1N1 influenza A.' Closer to home, the nation is all choked up after the ESRI has taken Ireland's economic temperature. Latest analysis predicts unemployment levels of one in five by the end of 2010. The government's remedy is to starve workers' purses to feed the feverish economy by axeing mortgage interest relief on loans over seven years old. At least drugs companies like Tamiflu are benefiting from the threatened pandemic. And sales of rubber gloves are doing very well...

THURSDAY

The WHO raises the flu pandemic alert to five, sending anxiety levels up to 90. The we-told-you-so elements in the media can now triumphantly reveal Ireland's first swine/novel/H1N1 influenza A victim. Probably. The unnamed adult male, recently returned from Mexico, is given an anti-viral drug and ordered to stay at home. Professor Bill Hall from the Irish influenza pandemic expert group says it is "likely" the case will be confirmed. He advises minimising the spread of the virus by using tissues for coughing and sneezing before disposing of them and washing the hands. Sales of soap and tissues should improve too then...

FRIDAY

Gas masks, not face masks, are the order of the day as the first of May arrives with traditional workers' rallies and demonstrations. Anti-capitalism protesters take to the streets in Germany and in 'bossnapping' France. But unlike the coughs and sneezes, the urge to protest doesn't spread. For dwindling numbers of Irish workers, it's not catching flu that's the worry –it's that double whammy income levy and loss of mortgage interest infecting pay packets from today. Best put a towel over our heads and breathe in some soothing vapours – and hope the government doesn't try to nick any more money when we're not looking...

You cannot be serious

A gala tribute to Tom Hanks had Julia Roberts delivering the following appreciation: "All right, it's late, I'm paying my babysitter overtime and I have to pee, so ... everybody f*****g likes you. Listen, I had lunch today with Rita [Hanks' wife], and her tits were here and her waist was here and her ass was all that. Tom Hanks – what the f**k?" Exactly.