MONDAY

His predecessor regularly provoked hysterical laughter, but Barack Obama's unscripted speech to the White House Correspondents Association at the weekend is all intentional humour. Speaking fondly of his new touchy-feely relationship with former rival Hillary Clinton, the president reveals that "the second she got back from Mexico, she pulled me into a hug and gave me a big kiss". He also speaks of how Mother's Day is such a tough holiday for chief of staff Rahm Emanuel as "he's not used to saying the word 'day' after 'mother'". Also speaking off the cuff is the new host of the world's longest-running chat show. A very chuffed Ryan Tubridy says he'll bring the show into the 21st century – and not a day too late late. "Break a leg," veteran presenter Gay Byrne tells him. But presumably not like Joe Duffy.

tuesday

I can't go on. I'll go on. If only the cursed wind would let me. Berthing is nearly the death of the €60m Samuel Beckett bridge as it falls foul of the weather on the Liffey. Try again. Fail again. Fail better, as the great man might have said. Elsewhere is a bust of mega proportions. Jordan, aka Katie Price, announces her marriage has sunk, while the prospect of being Price-less surely leaves poor little Peter André as apprehensive as a bank exec at a shareholders' meeting. It seems the glam model, literary sensation and Dunnes Stores bedlinen designer is barely getting by on her rapidly deflating fortune of €50m. With no detail of her life too trivial or too intimate to sell to OK! magazine, the separation announcement is seen as yet another publicity stunt, while the call that the couple hope "their privacy would be respected" shows that Jordan is having a laugh while she's at it. Or just maybe, unlike the tan, the nails and the breasts, she's not faking it this time.

wednesday

From a family with nothing left to reveal to another whose motives remain a mystery. The government report into the deaths of the Dunne family in Monageer in April 2007 is an expensive and pointless exercise. Sections of the published report are censored with black lines drawn through text "for legal reasons" says minister for children Barry Andrews. "I don't want to go down the route of exonerating people; neither do I want to start blaming people," he adds. So what lessons have we learned about the state's responsibility in protecting the vulnerable? The answer, like much of the report, is blank. But there's a ray of light for another family. Fifty-seven-year-old Dublin woman Jenny O'Connell, blind from age 11, has had her sight partially restored after a rare and complex procedure at the Royal Victoria Eye and Ear. It's the sort of clarity we need to hear more about.

Thursday

Headline writers 'eggs-aust' the punning possibilities as one senior citizen's 'eggs-ploits' are splattered across front pages. AIB shareholder Gary Keogh's discovery that his nest egg is now virtually worthless prompted him to put a little aside (two rotten eggs actually) for a rainy day. That rainy day is the bank's AGM where Keogh launches his chemical weapons at executives Dermot Gleeson and Eugene Sheehy, while yelling, "Take that you bloody git". Maybe this is the time to reintroduce stocks (not shares), as in the medieval contraptions for harnessing society's wrongdoers while angry citizens pelt them. British voters are surely considering such punishment for Douglas Hogg. The latest news in the current British political scandal is that the Tory MP has been claiming expenses for "clearing his moat and a housekeeper."

friday

The nation's housekeeper, Brian Cowen, might be clearing his desk as the latest Irish Times/TNS MRBI poll shows his satisfaction rating as leader has sunk further to 18%, while 86% of voters are now dissatisfied with the government's performance. His defence that "There are many people in this country who recognise the fact that we are taking the necessary decisions to get recovery under way", sounds funny, but not in an Obama way. The problem is, the 'many' number only one in 10 now.

You cannot be serious

'Elvis by Bono', a poem by the singer aired on BBC Radio 4, had Presley fans crying in the chapel. "Elvis had a voice that could explain the sexuality of America," droned the U2 frontman earnestly. "Elvis called God every morning and then left the phone off the hook," was another profound gem before he ended with the immortal, "Elvis ate America before it ate him..."