MONDAY

A year on from the collapse of Lehman Brothers, the US president tells Wall Street there will be no return to the "reckless excess and unchecked behaviour" that threatened a second Great Depression. In Athlone, the Taoiseach tells the party faithful that Ireland plc is now borrowing almost €400m a week just to keep afloat. Our banking system remains "choked" and "we must fix it", he says. By just how much, we will learn on Wednesday... Choking is probably what 19-year-old singer Taylor Swift would have wished for Kanye West when the rapper interrupted her acceptance of award for MTV Best Female Video at last night's event. "Yo Taylor, Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time," he protested... Colin Farrell could maybe have a word. At the premiere of his latest film Triage, the dad-to-be takes a photographer to task for yelling at his sister Claudine to "move on" out of the way along the red carpet. That's our Col, a man who could put manners on rude boy rappers as well as sister-insulting snappers.

TUESDAY

After President Obama's speech was sensationally interrupted last week, not by a rapper, but by Republican Joe Wilson, the race debate continues to gain momentum. Former president Jimmy Carter states it plainly that "the intensely demonstrated animosity" towards President Obama is because he's black, while Democrat Representative for Georgia, Henry Johnson, invokes an image everyone hoped long forgotten of "folks putting on white hoods and white uniforms again and riding through the countryside intimidating people"... A troubled boxer, a dirty dancer and a celeb chef pass away. After Olympic bronze medal winner Darren Sutherland (27) was yesterday found dead in his London flat in circumstances "not treated as suspicious", comes news that actor Patrick Swayze (57) succumbs to cancer. While 65-year-old Keith Floyd goes out in style, dying of a heart attack just hours after quaffing champagne cocktails, a bottle of Cote du Rhone and roast partridge (even though he'd ordered grouse)...

WEDNESDAY

No grousing from the banks as loans valued at €77bn are bought by the taxpayer for €54bn. Brian Lenihan reveals the Nama haircut – and we're not being asked for a Yes or No on this one. The financial risk for the taxpayer is predicated on, once again, the property market, with the government assumption that prices will not decline further than the 50% fall of the past two years, and will in fact increase by 10% over the next decade. Maybe praying to the Carmelite nun, dubbed by one UK observer as "a realistic saint for the recession", would be just as productive in that case. The relics of The Little Flower, St Thérèse of Lisieux , arrive in Portsmouth on the next leg of the 12-year, 40-country tour. Even Dan Brown is laying off the Catholic church these days. His The Lost Symbol is published based on the "ancient mysteries" hidden beneath Washington DC, buried there by Freemason founding fathers. Given his previously phenomenal success, things are likely to come up roses again for this latest load of "symbology" from the Da Vinci Code author…

THURSDAY

British oil giant Trafigura tried to bury reports of its dumping of hundreds of tonnes of toxic waste in August 2006 on the Ivory Coast, but now the company tellingly offers compensation to 31,000 west African victims requiring medical aid after contamination with the waste which is banned throughout Europe... The government probably wishes for an Einstein-sized black hole to swallow up yet another toxic gaffe by minister – and possible descendent of Mrs Malaprop – Mary Couglan. Despite all the Greens' hard work in restricting Nama excess, she referred to them earlier this week as "na Glasraí" – the vegetables. Now, at the speed of light, she crushes our pretensions of a Smart Economy. The minister compares marketing Ireland as "like Einstein explaining his theory of evolution". A theory possibly along the lines of E (Eejit) equals MC (Mary Coughlan) squared.

FRIDAY

Just who has adapted well to the economic environment and will survive the recession may emerge over the weekend at the Global Irish Economic Forum at Farmleigh. The Taoiseach's 180 guests are naturally selected because of their links to Ireland and will discuss ideas for economic recovery– hopefully without interruption on who does it better. The detested phrase 'travel expenses' dare not raise its controversial head in such straitened times, and so invited attendees will pay their own way and speak for free. The forum opens with Nobel Laureate Seamus Heaney quoting a line for his aptly titled poem Keeping Going: "You keep old roads open by driving on the new ones." If only we could afford to build them now…

You cannot be serious

"Archive on Friday (pip pip pip) on Four on Saturday at eight (pip pip pip) f**k!"

The BBC cancels the contract of long term Radio 4 announcer Peter Jefferson, known as the "voice of the Shipping Forecast", after he uncharacteristically stumbled through the 'pips' and swore audibly.