"I lied to a lot of people. I also lied to myself." Tiger's no longer crouching, he's giving a press conference ahead of the Masters tournament in Augusta. He's sorry he missed his son's first birthday. He says he will probably regret it for the rest of his life. All golf fans want to know is if that sex-addiction therapy will ruin his game; all non-golf fans want to know is – where's Elin?
Ireland's Greatest Top 10 list is announced with Bono, Dr Noel Browne, Michael Collins, James Connolly, Stephen Gately, John Hume, Phil Lynott, Padraig Pearse, Mary Robinson and Adi Roche taking the honours.
Politics'worst-kept secret is revealed by Gordon Brown. You could almost feel sorry for him and Tory leader David Cameron, not because of the campaign ahead, but their justifiable jitters over that invitation for a grilling by Newsnight and University Challenge inquisitor Jeremy Paxman… "No, you may not confer… Come on, come on, let's have an answer… "
Kildare gardaí, your picture starter for 10: identify the naked man sitting on the altar at Cill Mhuire Church outside Newbridge. The incident was exposed when the parish curate was reviewing CCTV footage from St Patrick's Day and spotted the man sitting almost starkers before putting his clothes back on and leaving. Straight-faced investigators reportedly said they couldn't see if he was wearing underpants.
New Minister for Education and Skills Mary Coughlan doesn't get the chance to reveal much at the TUI conference in Ennis. But TUI president Don Ryan tore strips off her. "This is totally and absolutely your fault, Minister," he said, referring to the collapse of the economy, adding that she and the government had "not even the decency to admit it". He all but ordered her to stay in after class and write out 100 lines saying "I must do my homework properly next time…"
Speculation is rife in celebrity land that the healthy-eating cover girl of the latest edition of Vogue is referring to her former friend Madonna when talking about revenge fantasies. Speaking about the singer's split from their joint personal trainer, the mother of Apple and Moses says: "It's good that she doesn't train Madonna any more. It was too much. She keeps people waiting – it takes up your whole day." There's a surprise.
The usual airport check-in experience is trying to take your shoes off with a plastic bag of toiletries in one hand while holding up your beltless trousers with the other – which is why some may spare a thought for the two women who tried to smuggle a dead body on to an EasyJet flight in Liverpool. After being arrested, Gitta Jarant claimed her 91-year-old husband, strapped into a wheelchair and wearing dark sunglasses, was disabled, frail and "always likes to sleep like that". Still, for horrified passengers, there are other some things worse than death. They could be flying Ryanair.
The nine-time Wimbledon winner discloses she has early-stage breast cancer. Navratilova's treatment begins in Paris, allowing her to continue work as tennis commentator for both the French Open and Wimbledon next summer. "I still want to do my work. I'm not the sort of person who wants to sit around feeling sorry for myself." We wouldn't expect anything less from a champion, Martina.
Cancer carries away the 64-year-old great rock 'n' roller swindler. One music journalist described the former Sex Pistols' manager McLaren: "He could be charming, he could be cruel, but he mattered." A suitable tribute for the godfather of punk and face that launched a thousand gobs.
It's a bog-standard honeymoon ahead for 30-year-old Daria Weiske as she heads to the hills and the arms of her lover Patsy Brogan. Despite her parents' disapproval, the failed actress turned waitress will marry her dear old Donegal man (73). "Patsy and I are very happy. If there's an age gap, it means nothing to me," said the blushing bride-to-be before their reunion in Brogan's touchingly named Bog Hotel…
In an article in this column on 28 March we stated that tickets to Electric Picnic cost €289. The actual price is €240
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