Cloud begins to clear

There's a gasp of fresh air amid the ash cloud from our burnt-out economy as the ESRI claims exports have continued to hold up well throughout the recession. But it seems it will be 2011 before any glimpse of recovery emerges. Even then, we'll still be scorched by the terrifying €73bn taxpayers' bill for the banking bailout.

Financial crater

Solid rock Nama chief Brendan McDonagh says the whopping great crater in the banks is the result of "a mindless scramble to funnel lending into one sector and of reckless abandonment of basic principles of credit risk and prudent lending." When asked whether banks behaved fraudulently, he replied: "I'm not so sure whether it was fraud or incompetence." Greed?

Ghost hunting

Nama bought those bad loans at knockdown prices. Now they suggest it's time to knock down unfinished ghost estates. Maybe aim the bulldozer at a zombie bank while they're at it.

Vatican erupts again

More horror erupting from Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone who is speaking in Chile where a current high-profile child abuse case concerns a priest allowed to continue serving at a Catholic girls school. "Many psychologists and psychiatrists have demonstrated that there is no relation between celibacy and paedophilia," he said. "But, I have been told recently, that there is a relation between homosexuality and paedophilia. That is true. That is the problem." The Vatican's No 2 is also referred to as the deputy Pope. Heaven help us.

'Arrest the Pope'

Bubbling away in the magma chamber is scientist Richard Dawkins. Both he and Christopher Hitchens are campaigning for the arrest of the Pope for the covering up of clerical child abuse. "The only strange thing about our proposal is that it had to come from us: where have the world's governments been all this time?" asks Dawkins. "Where is their moral fibre? The UK government is preparing to welcome this grotesquely tainted man on an official visit to the UK so that he can 'dispense moral guidance'. If he is innocent, let him have the opportunity to demonstrate it in court. If he is guilty, let him face justice. Just like anybody else."

Padded bras

Primark falls into a ring of fire over selling padded bikinis for very young girls. Criticism from charities, including British-based Phoenix Chief Advocates, which helps victims of paedophiles, forces the retailer to withdraw its new season's must-(not)-have for seven-year-olds. The offending garment was only on sale in the UK, but Irish stores are continuing to sell padded bras for girls as young as 10. Let's hope that the glittery 'Princess' logo on the bra aimed at over-sexualised girls in the west was not appliqued by over-worked child labourers in the third world.

Padded grandmothers

An inappropriately padded "grandmother" attempts to board a Ryanair flight to Birmingham with two loaded 9mm handguns and loose ammunition. Security staff at Dublin Airport notice the suspicious-looking objects in the 68-year-old's carry-on luggage as it passed through an X-ray machine. Rumours that she was incensed at the proposed €1-a-go toilet fee are as yet unconfirmed ….

Padded autobiography?

That other suspicious looking object is Kitty Kelley's unauthorised biography on Oprah Winfrey. Those seeking scandal will find there's plenty in this Kitty.

Iceland's revenge

Last year's fallout from Iceland's banking collapse is nothing compared to its volcanic ash closing airports. The volcano under the Eyjafjallajokull (hello newsreaders!) glacier erupts and a giant ash cloud streams into the Northern European sky. Dublin Airport Authority's Siobhán Moore becomes a female Pliny the Younger reporting on flight cancellations and passenger disruption. Dublin as a 21st century frozen Pompeii? What would future historians make of our little lava-land?

That other bloke

British electoral history in the making as Brown, Cameron and the other bloke lined up behind their podiums. But the first televised leaders' debate in British electoral history looked for all the world like a quick-fire general knowledge quiz. LibDems' Nick Clegg won the public vote; PM Gordon Brown displayed sober experience. But as for the Tory leader, it was a bit like: "David Cameron, you are the Weakest Link. Goodbye!"