John Gormley is having an identity crisis. Last February the environment minister was a Frogman. Now he's Batman.

Gormley has approved a €60,000 survey of the rare long-eared bat. He wants to know how many there are left. One species facing extinction surveying another. Earlier this year he allotted €70,000 for a survey of frogs. What next: half a million to study red squirrels? (Watch out, Enda, he's coming looking for your nuts.)

Batman Gormley went on a crusade last week to clean up Gotham City. You could almost hear the 'Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na – BATMAN!' tune as he announced an inquiry into the planning policies of the country's local authorities.

From a Dublin perspective, this seemed like a welcome development. The county's mountains are pimpled with ugly high-rise buildings that should never have been built. Someone is going to be held accountable for this. Finally, it's brown trouser time for the brown envelope men.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but it isn't. Batman has decided that he will only investigate six councils countrywide. It's too impractical to investigate all 34. That sounds like an admission of defeat even before his inquiry begins.

Dun Laoghaire/Rathdown County Council, which allowed the building of high rises along the mountains, isn't one of the six. Dublin City Council is the only authority in the capital that will be scrutinised. Not that that scrutiny is likely to make any difference.

On Wednesday, that council said none of the six has received details of any individual complaints being investigated or even the inquiry's terms of reference. Batman has yet to say who his "independent" investigators will be. He has also yet to announce their budget. It sounds like Batman is flapping his cape around just for show. Why? Like everything else about Gormley, this is about an illusion.

Gormley sold out his Green credentials for the illusion of power when he teamed up with Fianna Fáil. I always imagine them sniggering behind his back every time one of his plans falls on its face.

Remember how he tried to steal their thunder by announcing that there would be a direct mayoral election this summer? Is it happening this summer? No, Cowen scuppered that plan.

What about the domestic water rates? He said they would be introduced in 2012. He'll be lucky. The only people who pay for their water now are businesses. Yet last month, an Irish Independent investigation revealed that councils are not chasing defaulters. As few as 23% are paying up. It doesn't augur well for Batman's domestic water rates plan.

Batman isn't even a good politician. He nearly caused a backbench revolt by forcing his stag-hunting legislation through as the drink drive limit was being lowered. Both are seen as attacks on rural life. His stubbornness could have brought down his own government. Not that I would have a problem with that. The sooner they're gone, the better.

The Fianna Fáil backbenchers' attitude spoke volumes, by the way: 'sit quietly while billions are given to the banks and go mental when stag hunting and drinking are threatened'. Batman Gormley's planning probe is just another in a long line of Green illusions. Like the cage-rattling over Nama. Or the stag hunting. This is Gormley trying to look tough.

The reason why Batman is setting up this pointless probe is to scare local authorities in advance of his forthcoming Planning Bill. He's worried they won't implement its measures. If he can't get them to collect water rates, what hope is there of getting them to comply with his new legislation? What Gormley can't grasp is that every time he tries to grab a headline and trips up, it makes him, and the Green agenda, look ridiculous.

As the outcome of this planning inquiry is likely to be just a name-and-shame, he's going to look even more ineffectual once it's over and no heads have rolled. The money and energy Batman will waste on this planning probe could be better spent on just about anything else. Even counting the country's bats and frogs.

Gormley wants his Planning Bill to be his legacy. His real legacy, however, will be the M3 running through Tara/Skryne. In case you've forgotten, that road – which opened this month – will be tolled by a foreign company for 40 years. If it doesn't meet its projected revenue then the taxpayer will pay the toll shortfall. His party had vowed to fight it and yet he became the road's most enthusiastic supporter. He will be forever remembered as a Green hypocrite.

In October, this paper revealed that Batman took a ferry to Holyhead in 2008 to appear environmentally friendly – but had a Mercedes travel from London to collect him. He was attending a climate change event. The car cost us £2,200. After the event was over, Gormley flew home. The hypocrite. This revelation came as he was decrying the extravagance of the political expenses system. The hypocrite.

Batman wants to be seen as a clean Green fighting machine, while at the same time sleeping with the enemy. Gormley doesn't realise that he IS the enemy. He's setting up a pointless planning probe while serving with the crowd responsible for the country's disastrous property boom.

Forget stag hunting. This is just another case of Gormley running with the hare and hunting with the hounds.

dkenny@tribune