'The queen? I suppose. Meaningless figurehead. Why not? Nice for her to see the place at last. Take her up to Monto, Monto, Monto." Was this something like your response, too, on hearing that a state visit by the queen of England is likely before the end of next year? Ha ha. Little did we know. Enough with the apathetic platitudes. Here, have a flag.


Suddenly it's like Dawn of the Dead, with half the country pawing at the doors mouthing "Symbolism! The Eight Hundred Years!" (The other half is mincing around as usual, sipping Pimm's and slating the Irish language.) Sinn Féin's objections are not surprising, since Sinn Féin persists with the fiction that the only reason Northern Ireland is part of the UK is that Her Majesty is fond of it and doesn't want to give it up. But opponents and supporters of all stripes have been crawling out from under every kerbstone (painted or otherwise) to quarrel about it. It's a dogfight.


On Newstalk's Lunchtime on Thursday, Kevin Myers angrily hung up the phone on Daire O'Brien over it, though admittedly, two detestable gits falling out can't be read as a yardstick of public opinion. But the same day, the Liveline switchboard was tungsten-hot, and we are, after all, encouraged to regard Liveline as a litmus for the national mood, whether we like it or not.


"No obstacle now exists" to a visit, said Taoiseach Brian Cowen, though he didn't make clear what obstacles have existed in recent years, since the North achieved the appearance of a settlement. Perhaps he was waiting for an apology for Bloody Sunday, or until Civil War politics visibly ended with a Fianna Fáiler addressing the faithful at Béal na mBláth.


Perhaps he realised that Mary McAleese just would not shut up until she could take credit for a state visit by QE2, seeing as the president would have us believe she and the queen are BFFs and that one or other of them always has the kettle on. Most likely he thought it best to wait until it seemed as if we would be able to act normal with the queen around. So much for that.


In truth, numbers-wise, the British monarchy is probably about as divisive here as it is in Britain. Some people are mildly diverted by the antics of the royal family; others are outraged at the continuance of such a costly anachronism. At least in this country, royal-watchers get to enjoy the show for free.


But there is more to this than numbers. Some observers are being all mature, saying "Get over it, she's just another foreign head of state." She's not, though. Come on. She is the queen of England, with all the cumbersome historical baggage that goes with that. Pretending to be over it doesn't make you over it.


It does look odd, the fact that she hasn't visited the Republic, and that no British monarch has since George V in 1911. Ireland is not the only country she hasn't visited, mind, contrary to some reports. She hasn't been to Israel either, a source of no small umbrage to the Israelis. But she has been to plenty of other countries in which the natives' ancestors were laid low by the British imperial menace (not least Britain itself, but that's another story) and they don't seem to have minded. We're different, it seems.


Apart from the problem of what to do with her (arrange an impromptu stag hunt? Lock her in a room with McAleese and a hundredweight of Earl Grey?), if the queen visits, we will have achieved one thing: we will have made Anglo-Irish relations look normal. That doesn't mean they are.


In one of the Irish Times' informal reader polls on the question last year, almost half of those who replied (46%) did not want her to come. These are readers of The Irish Times, remember, not An Phoblacht. It doesn't look like a hundred thousand welcomes, does it?


Cowen is mistaken: there is still an obstacle to a visit by the queen. It's not about forgiving her for the 800 Years, or being forgiven, in our turn, for Mountbatten. It's that, possibly to our surprise, we're not ready after all. What if someone throws a potato at her? What if someone else suddenly, bizarrely, gets the urge to curtsey? Heaven help us, neighbour will be set against neighbour. We don't need this.


Prejudiced: Sure, we've been at that for years


With all the fuss about intercultural integration last week, there's a danger that old-fashioned, time-honoured, home-grown racism – the Barry's Tea of racism – will be left in the ha'penny place. The Reception and Integration Agency had to apologise and withdraw its March monthly report for using an image of a padlocked door on the cover. Presumably, excising the padlock image means refugees will not now encounter metaphorical padlocks at all, at all.


Meanwhile, the European Cultural Foundation has been fretting about an increase in racism because of the recession. Self-evident, really – "flocking foreigners" – but there you are.


In the midst of all this, a report from UCC revealed that 20% of Travellers had hidden their Traveller identity in education and at work. One in five Travellers felt they had to do that. Let's not forget, we have years of practice at this prejudice business.


Diarmuid Doyle is on leave


etynan@tribune.ie