Does anyone know the German for 'I knew your father', 'I was very fond of your mother', 'I am entitled to natural justice', 'I and my family have been very hurt by these allegations', 'I did it for my children's education', 'I did nothing wrong, it was within guidelines' and 'you can't prove it, so it didn't happen'.

I am compiling a glossary of terms for the German ministry of finance officials who have to keep track of the money they will pump into this country when the bailout is eventually accessed. The German people have a good grip of formal English, but they will need a crash course in the unique application of the language within Irish public administration.

Of course, the mere translation of terms will not suffice. The German, EU and any other bewildered officials sent to reform this backward country, will have to undergo assault-course and resistance-to-mental-torture training, in the snow-bound Black Forest, before facing into any con­versation with an Irish public official.

If only our public administration were as good at doing things right as they are at lying and covering up, we'd be sending money to Germany.

When my German class are up to speed in the language of Irish corruption, I will move them on to advanced body language, sing-songs, getting drunk with constituents, lying about being drunk, declaring martyrdom, and claiming their feelings have been hurt when questioned on radio or TV about being drunk or lying about being drunk.

Central to this module will be an appreciation of the unique Irish art of declaring commitment to notional regulation, whilst at the very same time making it clear that you have absolutely no intention of complying with regulation. I fear this is where I will lose many of my students, unable for the mental acrobatics necessary to keep up with understanding the dark art of Irish public administration.

Declan Doyle

Lisdowney

Co Kilkenny