MONDAY

The DIY store and garden centre are refuges against the cold and wet bank holiday. But the drive home through wind and hail dampens the optimism of those tender green shoots with news on the radio of the EU's spring economic forecast 2009/10 – actually as wintry as the weather. No prizes for guessing which country is performing worst. The gloomy predictions are that our government deficit will widen to 12% next year. The rise in spending of 6% from increased social welfare is to get worse in 2010 when the forecast is for unemployment figures "close to 16%". Children's pocket money may be the next tax target. At least there's no Irish economics editor known for glum predictions to compound our bank holiday misery... Where is he, by the way?

TUESDAY

Shock news – Vincent Van Gogh didn't cut off his own ear, and broadcaster George Lee wants to be a politician. When you think about it, he couldn't have inflicted such pain on himself, surely? Which must be what the government is asking now that gloomy George is to run for Fine Gael, or, as his former RTé colleagues plummily dub it, 'Finna G-Whale'. The state broadcaster can hardly believe its ears either and is suffering "shock, upset and bewilderment". No longer gripping the mike, the (former) economics Cassandra shows off just how articulate his offspring must be. "When they ask me, 'What did you do when the country was on its knees in the greatest economic challenge in the history of the state?' Well, I will look them in the eye and say, 'I drew my sword and lopped off some Fianna 'Foyle' lugs.'" Or words to that effect.

WEDNESDAY

Miriam O'Callaghan asks winning wordsmiths in the Mansion House to lend her their ears as she announces the Irish Book Awards. National treasures in attendance include Nobel prize-winning poet Seamus Heaney and his fellow septuagenarian Edna O'Brien. But there's as much speculation as to whether Miriam has been awarded the job of Late Late Show host as to who won a book award. Asked whether she would be stepping into Pat Kenny's size 11s, she said: "Myself and Ryan Tubridy were joking tonight that me, Ryan and Gerry are going to present the show together." On her two rivals, she added: "They're really nice guys. I'm not just saying that." She didn't make it clear if that was a joke too.

THURSDAY

Positive character assessments on the Taoiseach on his first full year in office, by commentators who have met him. Brian Cowen is intelligent and personable, they say. Only trouble is, his confidence doesn't come across in public. For inspiration, our leader could take a look at Ireland's towering Grand Slam rugby squad who show a relaxed, united front as they scan Hillsborough Castle for their meeting with a foreign monarch. Initially, all they can see is a little old lady who seems to be standing in a hole. And there's no sign of the weekend enmity of the Heineken Cup semi-final clash – apart from BOD's shiner, that is. ROG keeps hands firmly stuffed in pockets, but that's not disrespect on being introduced to a senior citizen. It's hard to believe that the hardy Munster man would describe the heir to the English throne, a Sassenach no less, in glowing terms. But there he was, jolly well overheard telling the teeny-weeny Queen that her grandson William is "a lovely young man".

FRIDAY

After all we're doing for them, some spoilsport lenders are keeping their hands firmly in their pockets despite yesterday's ECB interest-rate cut. Ulster Bank, First Active, Halifax and Bank of Scotland (Ireland) say they're not passing on the rate reduction to borrowers on variable-rate mortgages because, bless them, they're really concerned about the equal needs of savers. The tender tomato plants and seasonal bedding bought on Monday now look way too optimistic as climates take a turn for the worse. Watch out for gale-force winds dislodging election posters, says the radio forecast. Yes, the last thing you need is having your ear sliced off by a giant cardboard George, Mary Lou, Declan, or Eamon hurtling towards you.

You Cannot Be Serious

"Tell the world that Uefa didn't want Chelsea in the final," a Blue loser screamed following that controversial Champions League semi-final.

No penalty for two hand-balls and a rugby tackle, but so much effing and blinding, Chelsea had to say sorry, the ref needed an armed guard and Barcelona won. All very Messi.