Monday

CHEF Gordon Ramsay (with wife Tana, right) reflects on a weekend of sordid allegations over a seven-year affair. F***.

In his pre-budget report, the British Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling announces VAT will be slashed from 17.5% to 15%. Say 'no' to New York and leg it to Newry to do the Christmas shopping.

In some good news for the capital, Dublin is nominated as the European City of Science, which will see a year-long series of various boffin-seducing events in the city from June 2012, which feels an awful long way away at the moment.

Tuesday

On the subject of science, the director geneal of Fás, Rody Molloy (RIGHT), resigns amidst an expenses scandal which has seen €640,000 spent over four years on junkets, sorry, important business travel and liaisons with the science community in Florida. Oh, and the science community in Florida just so happens to have very nice golf courses, excellent salons and comfy first class seats. His departure comes shortly after Brian Cowen defends him.

It's not just the fat cats getting the cream – a new report out today shows that a quarter of all Irish people are obese. The Dietary Habits of the Irish Population study by the Department of Health also reveals 47% of men, and 70% of women were defined as centrally obese in relation to waist size. Clearly the recession-era tightening of belts hasn't transformed from figur-ative to literal just yet.

Wednesday

Fás holds an emergency meeting to discuss the mounting expense account controversy. No word whether the catering for the get-together was ordered from Patrick Guilbaud. Details of a rumoured $410 nail treatment bill filed by Minister for Health Mary Harney surface. The rumour is discredited, but Fás admit that the tax payer did fork out for a hairdressing bill on behalf of the minister. Fine Gael jump up and down about the hairdressing outrage and state that the minister's position is now untenable.

News of attacks on tourists at luxury hotels in Mumbai breaks across TV networks. As the death toll hits 100, and at least 250 are wounded, it becomes apparent that hundreds more people have been taken hostage. The chief of the anti-terrorist squad was killed during the attacks. A group called the Deccan Mujahideen sends an email claiming responsibility.

Did you hear the one about the two Kerry men in court for drink driving who argue that they could have inhaled fumes of alcohol from their urine and hence tested positive for being over the limit? The judge agrees and dismisses the case. And you thought it was just the banks who wouldn't give you the steam off their...

Thursday

While pop culture zeitgeist genius Malcolm Gladwell is speaking at a packed 1,000-capacity lecture in UCD, another pop icon – Britney Spears (RIGHT) – makes her first public performance since a disastrous out-of-it incident at this year's Video Music Awards. She takes to the stage singing a reworked version of her current hit 'Womanizer' at something called the Bambi Awards in Germany. And by 'singing' I mean nervously lip-synching in an outfit identical to one Madonna is currently sporting on her Sticky & Sweet tour. The Princess of Pop attempting to overthrow the Queen of Pop, perhaps?

Friday

Dozens of bodies are found at the Trident-Oberoi hotel and 50 more at the Taj Mahal Palace hotel in Mumbai. 100 people were earlier rescued after being held hostage by terrorists who have killed nearly 200 people. When describing the rescue, Indian commandos said the terrorists fired at anyone who moved.

With 'Liveline' callers going bananas about the Fás expenses scandal and Mary Harney's free haircut, Today FM's Gift Grub runs a spoof ad for 'Fás: the Platinum Album', which includes reworked lyrics of The Killers' 'Human' ("are we human, or are we chancers?") and a variation on Talking Heads' 'Once In A Lifetime' ("and you may ask yourself, can I bring my beautiful wife?")

The nation debates whether going up North for Christmas shopping is unpatriotic. Although perhaps it could be argued that letting the entire economy go to the dogs, bailing out banks, wasting taxpayer's money and dropping a serious amount of wedge on Floridian hairdos is equally, if not slightly more, unpatriotic. Next stop, Newry.