The most recent edition of Countryman's Weekly contains a DIY guide to hand-rearing ferrets. Mildred had two gills. Gills is the word for females and don't forget it, as it's bound to come up in Larry Gogan's Just a Minute Quiz when they make the questions harder.

Biggles, the dad, was removed from Mildred and the gills. Ben, the owner, reckoned "Biggles had had a snack." The two hads indicates to me Biggles ate two of his kids. I was having lunch in Dublin Zoo the day the polar bear ate his young lad and it put me right off parents who eat their children. I now hate Biggles, but Ben took the snack in his stride. You see, the English love all animals, even horrible ones like pitbull terriers and iguanas.

Poor Mildred got mastitis, probably from the stress of having her gills ferreted by Biggles, and gentle Ben decided to hand-rear the survivors. He fed the blind gills cat's milk from a syringe and in time they grew up fine and strong. I wonder who milked the cat.

The big danger, now there was a barring order against Biggles, was constipation. Ben advises, "It is very important you stimulate their bowels after they have eaten by gently rubbing around their anus with a damp piece of cotton wool." Ben's partner even took a week off work to do the daily feeds.

And what do ferrets do? They corral rabbits by going into the burrow and apparently are as vicious as Tasmanian Devils on the day they quit Weight­watchers. I have nothing against fishing and the like, but I'd never go ferreting.

I'm not sure if this story is about rats or ferrets, but it's definitely a cautionary tale. The ferret ran up the leg of a hunter's trousers thinking it was a burrow and bit off his penis thinking it was a rabbit.

You should have let them die, Ben.