The first time I noticed it was when I glanced up at a CCTV monitor in a shop just to see what I would look like on television. The spy camera looked down on the top of my head and it was then I spotted the bald patch. It was only the circumference of an egg cup back then, but now it has grown into a saucer.

It's not too bad when people are smaller than you as they can't see over the top of your head, but there's more to life than hanging with flat jockeys and flat shoed women. I am not a vain man. I can't afford to be, but the bald patch got to me when a hairy ne'er-do-well jibed "If you had a pair of sandals you'd make a lovely monk." When I was younger I had a Hendrix bee hive on my head. I thought the hair was an everlasting self renewable resource, but at my age, a man and his hair are easily parted.

There must be many like me. The papers are full of ads for hair implants. It seems hair is plucked from private areas and transplanted to the bald spot. It can be done a few follicles at a time so no one notices a sudden rush of growth. The worst of all would be when you get a pat on the head. And I have no notion of wearing a cap indoors like The Edge and the small farmers. Wouldn't that make a nice name for a band? A chemist suggested a potion called Crescina. It's made in Switzerland and the blurb says it works in many cases. I checked on the net too. Some of the con artists were that bullish you'd think they could grow hair on a wooden leg. Then there's laser treatment but what if one of the lads saw you slipping into the surgery. It would be more manly to be caught coming out of the VD clinic and there would be less slagging.

By the way, can you keep all this to yourself?

THIS SECTION CUT OUT

For the sake of research I got a second opinion. The next chemist told me to try Rogaine. It costs €25 a tube and you have to stay on it for life. Still I suppose it's cheaper than making the repayments on a sports car.

I have another balding ravine above my left temple and I'm thinking I might use the Crescina on top with the Rogain on the side and see which is best in a clinical trial. I have booked top photographer Pat Healy to take the pre-treatment photos. When you tell Healy a secret, it's like telling the dead.

Part of me says I shouldn't go through with it. I'm afraid of the domino effect. What's next? Cod liver oil, toxic dye that turns your head bluebottle black, or God bless the mark, Viagra. I'm alright for the moment, but I suppose the decline is inevitable.