It's not often that a press release makes me freeze, blink, restart my computer to see if it really is true and that someone didn't spike my morning coffee with mescaline, causing inbox hallucinations. Usually, the only ones that have this effect are the daily streams from TV3 rearranging that evening's listings with stuff like "Note For Listings: 'World's Fattest Child Brides will now air at 9.30pm'. 'I'm In Love with an Inanimate Object' will instead air at 8.30pm." But last week, a non-TV3 world-stopping emailed dropped. "Geffen/ Universal sign worldwide deal with multimedia San Paulo to release the album Alma Mater with the voice of Pope Benedict XVI." I mean, where do you start?

First of all, you wonder how far Geffen has slipped since it signed Nirvana. Then you begin to think of all those struggling bands gigging in toilet cubicle-sized venues, while Mr Pope swoops in and gets a record deal. Then you wonder who on earth would actually buy it. The album, originally titled 'Bat Out Of Hell IV: This Time It's Gregorian' will be "an enchanting blend of Lauretan Litanies and Marian popular chants". I'm not sure what 'Marian chants' are, perhaps sonic samples of the collective guffaw when someone cracks a recession-related joke on the Sunday Show on RTE Radio One, but Lauretan Litanies are basically prayers to Madonna – 'Papa Do Preach', anyone? I bet Madonna herself is annoyed that the release of her greatest hits album is having its thunder stolen by the pope's record – that said, she is dating a model called Jesus.

Personally, I would prefer to see Pope Benny take on some contemporary pop classics with a papal twist; 'Don't Cha (Wish Your Boyfriend Was Holy Like Me)', 'I Kissed The Ring (And I Liked It)', 'Sex On Fire (Because You're Going To Hell)', and 'Pope-er-face'. Instead, Popey will be "speaking and singing in Latin, Italian, Portuguese, French and German". With multilingual skills like that, Eurovision entry must be imminent. Proceeds from the album sales will apparently be used to provide "music education for underprivileged children around the world", which all sounds a bit vague to me. I'm sure upon securing a smash hit, the pope will instead take the profits and dive mitre-first into the rock'n'roll lifestyle, crashing Paris Hilton's yacht in San Tropez, moving into a Warholian commune with Lady Gaga and eventually having his name changed by deed poll to P Benny.

Of course, it's not the first time that a religious figure has launched an assault of the charts. Last year, The Priests released their eponymous debut – produced by Mike Hedges who has previously worked with U2 and Dido – topping the charts in several countries. The Priests – Eugene O'Hagan, Martin O'Hagan and David Delargy from Derry and Antrim – even got into the record books for the fastest-selling classical UK debut. They sold a million copies in Ireland alone, so chances are if you're reading this you might own a copy, you saddo.

Further back to 30 years ago this month as Pope JP hit the Phoenix Park for one of the biggest gigs of his career, 'Viva Il Papa' was released in Ireland, kick-starting a litany of religious offences on the charts. Almost simultaneously Dana added to papal pop hysteria with her smash 'Totus Tuus', which occupied the number one slot for weeks. Inevitably, Totus Tuus the album followed, with such memorable hits as 'Lady of Knock' and 'The Angelus with Pope John Paul II'.

But back to Il Papo. One wonders the ethics of the pope getting involved in the recording industry, an industry Hunter S Thompson famous called "a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs", adding: "There's also a negative side."

Is the pope ready for the pitfalls of being a pop star? Will he be able to handle the cocaine-fuelled discussions at the MTV Awards? Will his backstage dressing room demands (four tabernacles, 15 bottles of chilled Buckfast, organic communion bread with a selection of dips, 47 ironed white robes, blinged-out crozier) be exposed to much embarrassment?

Is the pope really up for this when he himself views rock festivals to be "in opposition to Christian worship", and I quote: "People are released from themselves by the experience of being part of a crowd and by the emotional shock of rhythm, noise, and special lighting effects. However, in the ecstasy of having all their defences torn down, the participants sink beneath the elemental force of the universe." Hang on, that last bit sounds like an endorsement: the emotional shock of rhythm, sinking beneath the elemental force of the universe, the pope seems to have a pretty good grasp of what it is to be wasted at an amazing gig. Maybe he is rock'n'roll after all.

umullally@tribune.ie