10 Most Read Online Stories of the Week

Valerie Shanley

Cheryl Cole

Overexposed - Paul the prophesying octopus. Germany's psychic 'octo-footy' is now out of national favour for only doing his job successfully again last Wednesday. One critic has decreed the suckered seer's fate: "Now that he has completed his work, this Spanish-loving creature should be fried alive in rancid chip fat and served up in an authentically German greasy spoon café in a corner of Oberhausen, smothered in mayonnaise and gravy."

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Nama-rama

Sounds as if Nama is as much use as a three-legged Jedward. The cost to the taxpayer under the Nama scheme may have been underestimated. It's the scale of those repayment problems with toxic loans that has "shocked" the agency. Never mind, there is a big shindig still going on over in the west to distract the nation as Brian O'Driscoll and Amy Huberman's weekend wedding goes on well into extra time. "Brian was going up the stairs at seven when some of the staff were coming in to do the breakfast," says one guest.

Tiger caged in Limerick

As Mr and Mrs BoD fly off to Africa, Tiger's burning bright at Adare Manor for the JP McManus Invitational Golf Pro-Am. Eighty-thousand fans forked out €50 for the two-day ticket, and were suitably polite in front of the somewhat dour, allegedly sex-addicted golfer. Also spotted among the players were actors Kyle MacLachlan (the fictionally impotent Trey McDougal from Sex and the City), Michael Douglas (who also claimed to have a problem with sex addiction) and the go-to guy for rom-coms, Hugh Grant, not exactly a peccadillo-free zone himself. There was free ice cream. But thankfully no cocktail waitresses.

Clash of the Ashley

George Michael whamming his Range Rover into a Snappy Snaps shop is nothing compared to England footballer Ashley Cole partying like he'd won the World Cup in Los Angeles where the serial 'lad' is snapped with several women who are not his wife. She is lying ill in hospital. Malaria is still a better dose to catch than Ashley, Cheryl.

Ronaldo scores a child

The surprise goal of the week has to be Real Madrid's Cristiano Ronaldo, who announces he's a new dad. Reports say the Portuguese striker will have sole custody of the baby born to a surrogate mother, but it's unconfirmed that the little lad has continually been crying for attention and blaming everyone around for knocking him over.

Different strokes...

No sweetheart deals for those in mortgage arrears. A limited system allowing debt-ridden homeowners to draw up new repayment terms with lenders is approved by the government, but banks will still be able to take action against those over 12 months behind. Different treatment of course for the bailed out banks themselves as the Taoiseach dismisses reports that Nama might not make a profit. Or then again, it might. Elsewhere, Nama chairman Frank Daly admits the banks' old abacus was short a few beads. Seems the agency had relied on incorrect information from those bankers: "We were very disappointed that the information did not stand up."

Take the money and hun

A 22-year-old German former au pair living in Galway surely has the touch of a big Irish developer about her. She got a loan of €2,000 from her Irish boyfriend, stole a further €2,400 from his bank account, and then got a loan of €2,000 from another man to pay back her boyfriend. "German women must have ways of extracting money from foolish Irishmen that Irishwomen have not been able to accomplish yet," Judge Mary Fahy told Galway District Court before sentencing.

Butlins no holiday

The government says 100 of the 800 asylum seekers living in the former Butlins holiday camp at Mosney are being dispersed elsewhere for financial reasons, but Sue Conlan of the Irish Refugee Council describes the manner of the expulsion as "inhumane and unsympathetic". About 96% of refugees here have their initial application rejected, making it the second lowest in the EU to grant asylum – Greece has the lowest acceptance rate at just 1.2%.

March of the penguin

A Humboldt penguin is kidnapped by a gang at 8am from the Phoenix Park but is discovered in Rutland Street in the inner city several hours later. She was reportedly bundled into a bag before the men made off in a taxi. A penguin, a taxi, and a stupid prank that really takes the biscuit.

To Russia with love

Nice to see the US and Russia agreeing a trade deal. The 10 Russian agents arrested last month are 'swopped' for four spies in Russia working with western intelligence agencies. President Obama has made the "re-set" of Russian-American relations now a top foreign priority. That burger from last week must be sticking in his throat.

Broke for summer

At last, something "exceptional" from the government. But Eamon Gilmore is referring to the 12-week Dáil recess, the longest summer break since 2003. "Will ye be back for Christmas Eve, do ye think?" shouted Fine Gael's Michael Ring. Ah, the Dáil. Don't you wish you were there?