ON THE UK POLICE:
"We live in the worst country in the world. At least we do for lazy, inefficient, office-bound police, whose response to an extraordinary rise in violent crime is to order more speed cameras."
"Only last week I was at my children's sports day and as I lay in the long grass by the river drinking pink champagne and chatting with other media parents, I remember thinking, 'God, I love being middle class.'"
"Greenpeace has taken a long hard look at the world. It has noted the alarming emergence of Islamic extremism and the corruption in Africa. It's logged the oppression in Burma and the slaughter in the Middle East. It has decided that something must be done . . .about your patio heater."
"When I go to a dinner party the guests are always white. All my friends have white spouses. And the only diversity in the office where I work is that three of the staff are left-handed. As a result I never meet any black or Asian people. So in this country at least I have no black or Asian friends. Not one."
ON BLAIR'S LEGACY:
"He's given us a bus lane on the M4."
"I do wish these people would take up something useful. Like tearing their own tongues out."
ON BEING DESCRIBED AS A YOB:
"Yobbish? Me? I'm 45 years old, for heaven's sake, and I have bosoms."
"How many children or elderly people have been knocked down by wizened, Guardian-reading, muesli freaks in figure-hugging Lycra?"
ON THE STATE OF THE BRITISHNATION:
"The country is now in the hands of overpaid bastards who want to make our lives as miserable as possible."