For the weekend that's in it, cut out and keFep this handy guide to doing your communion in the (New) New Ireland:

1. Don't let your child roll around on the large pile of money they've just accumulated, cackling manically, as this is entirely at odds with the current national mood of austerity.

2. Wait at least a day before you help yourself to a tasty chunk of the aforementioned whopping communion stash, using it to pay off your rapidly accumulating debts – be sure to feed the unsuspecting child a line about it going into their "post office account".

3. Out: Stretch Hummer limos, fake tan, catering. In: Getting the bus, rickets, Happy Meals.

4. Resist the temptation to make small talk with the priest and/or the bishop about ongoing church abuse scandals: "So… How's business, Father?" etc.

5. If at all possible, pass on the bouncy castle option. At present, 98% of all admissions of under-10s to emergency rooms nationwide relate to bouncy-castle-related injuries. The remaining 2%? Binge drinking.

6. Turn up early to avoid protestors and/or debt collectors. Leave early to avoid awkward moment as the priest attempts to hit punters for cash to pay off the diocese's massive legal bills.

7. To keep costs down, force your child to do their communion in their school uniform; accentuating the positive, the chisler in question won't grow up soft like all the other post-Celtic Cubs, but will instead turn out twisted, bitter and resentful, possibly resulting in a big pay-day down the line for a memoir of abuse entitled Mammy Made Me Wear Me Uniform.

8. Don't forget massive and profound spiritual significance of occasion. And expect rain.