Loves

Summer in Ireland

The smell of freshly cut grass; the rare blue summer skies with a small breeze giving me shivers down my spine; the colours of the flowers; the noise of the fully leaved trees blowing in the wind; lying in my garden on a blanket with my wife and children, as they play in the nice sunshine. And best of all, the long evenings with a glass of wine.

Sleeping

It's the best thing in the world, the place we can all go to escape our worries, our financial problems, and various other troubles. My favourite thing is waking up at 4am all groggy and then realising that you can roll over and head back to sleep. The only problem with the above is nightmares, but let's not get into that.

Making people laugh

I've done it all my life. From my youth ("Ah he's a funny looking kid"), to school ("Byrne, did you seriously write this and expect me to take it seriously?"), and finally to stage, it's still the weirdest feeling in the world having people laugh at or with you. But it's a drug I'll always crave.

Pyjama bottoms

Especially the fleece type. My favourite thing to do when I get home in the evening is to strip down and get the PJs on – not only does it feel great, but they let everything hang loose. But I must stress I only use PJ bottoms – not the matching top. I'm not ready for that yet.

Loathes

Small things

I'm 6ft 2in and I don't fit anywhere. I hate aeroplanes because I never fit in the seats. I hate small beds because my feet stick out the end. I hate small bathrooms, especially ones where you try to wet your head under the tap and you end up opening your skull on the cabinet. We could be here all day, but just take it for granted, if it's small, I hate it.

Oranges

I have very little patience, so I don't eat oranges because they take a lifetime to peel and I end up throwing them in the bin when I'm halfway through. Then, for all your trouble, your fingers smell of orange for 500 years, all your fingers are orange and you haven't even had a bite.

Feet

Keep them covered up people. Feet are gross. They have toes and most people's toes are bent, hairy, hard, or weirdly jelly-like. Toes gather horrible stuff between them, and not only does it look gross, but stuff can grow there with the heat. I can't stand smelly feet – if you have smelly feet then forget ever taking your shoes off in public.

Bits in butter

The bits left behind in butter by other people are gross. Please clean your knife before heading back in there with half of your food connected to the knife, therefore changing the taste to onions, beetroot, cream cheese and scrapings of toast. And if you are going to clean the knife before you put it back in, use water under the tap and DON'T LICK IT CLEAN!

Jason Byrne will perform at this year's Carlsberg Cat Laughs Comedy Festival in Kilkenny, 3-7 June. www.carlsbergcatlaughs.com