[Miriam O'Callaghan last week launched 'With Love from Me to Me' – a collection of letters from celebrities in response to the question: "If you could write a letter to your 16-year-old self, what would you say?" Here, an obscure, cranky hack pens one to himself back in 1982.]
Dear Dave,
I'm writing to you from the future. This is good news as it means the world hasn't ended in a nuclear holocaust like we all thought it would. Listening to Frankie Goes To Hollywood's 'Two Tribes' and wearing CND T-shirts worked after all.
Ronald Reagan, communism and apartheid are dead. They even put a black man in the White House – and he's not the butler, like Benson in that TV show you like.
Let's start your future lesson with a few home truths. A lot of other things you were afraid of didn't happen. You didn't grow up to be your dad. You don't read the death notices yet and you haven't started wearing grey slacks. You still have most of your hair although it's long and grey and in certain light you look like your mother (which is worrying).
The good news is that you and dad didn't strangle each other. The bad news is that he died two months before your wedding. You never said 'goodbye'. You're very happily married by the way, which means that Fiona, Dolores and Orla and Katie were not "the loves of your life". Writing all that hilariously crap poetry was a waste of time.
The old man isn't the only one missing in 2010. Look around your class: 'Brian' didn't make it. He ended his misery in a hospital car park. 'Longer' was knocked down after a night out with you in the '90s.
They never got to see what science has achieved – like the invention of 3D TV. Remember in Star Wars when sexy Princess Leia appeared as a hologram to Luke? Scientists made that a reality last week. Imagine all the lustful 3D possibilities, you teenage perv.
They never got to see history repeating itself. Remember learning about the Land League and people being evicted? It's kicked off again. Last week, a legal organisation called New Beginning was set up to defend mortgage holders against the bankers. Imagine this: bankers ruined the country and are now trying to evict the taxpayers who bailed them out. And you thought the landlords were bad.
Two years from now, you'll discover politics and vote for Labour's Barry Desmond. It's much easier to be a lefty at 16 than at 44, by the way. You WILL compromise on all those beliefs you thought would change the world. That's just the way it goes. Labour will compromise too. It will see the value of pragmatism. However, you won't foresee its leader, Eamon Gilmore, using the property developer's excuse, "It's my wife's money", to counter embarrassment over her land deals. He does though.
Speaking of smoke and mirrors, there's no smog any more. Mary Harney got rid of it. She also got rid of the health service, so try and keep your fitness levels up.
Last week, someone threw red paint at her. It was a stupid thing to do, but you won't feel sorry for her. She's bound to claim expenses for her dress.
On the subject of large figures: you'll finally get the hang of maths. On Thursday Brian Lenihan (the younger) announced €6bn in cuts. You used never remember how many zeroes there are in a billion. You do now.
You write for the Sunday Tribune. It lets you say things like this: 'Jim McDaid TD is a self-serving, smug bastard.' You don't know McDaid. He's a convicted drunk-driver who didn't turn up for Dáil votes and 'retired' with a bundle of your money. Here's some advice: forget journalism, go into politics.
What else? You know how Section 31 of the Broadcasting Act means you can't hear what Gerry Adams is saying? Well, he's never off-mic now. Last week, his Shinners were in the High Court over a failure to recognise democracy. No, THEY weren't in the dock – the government was. Imagine that: Sinn Féin fighting for constitutional democracy. Donegal can now have a by-election to vote for a new TD. Considering it elected McDaid and Mary Coughlan, perhaps the government was right to withhold that privilege.
Finally, it's not all bad news here in 2010. You're going to be as broke as a 16-year-old again but you won't go hungry. Last Friday, the agriculture minister said the EU is giving us free cheese for the poor from tomorrow week. So there you are: you're going to grow up to be as poor as a well-fed church mouse.
So do as Frankie says and 'relax'. It's not like it's the end of the world, is it?
dkenny@tribune.ie
Dave,
I know it's too late now, but you were the love of my life, and when I recall your poetry, my heart still skips a beat.
Katie