When David Kenny returned from his holiday, he wrote that Seville was wonderful but that its people were all very rude (News, 19 September). On hearing this, shock waves swept through the city and steps were taken immediately. First of all, a meeting was held. All 1,914,958 Sevillanos (Kenny calls them Sevillians) were asked if they thought they were rude. Exactly half of those asked the simple and straightforward question "Do you think we are rude?", answered "yes".

And curiously, exactly half, that is 957,479 people said "no", they were not. The mayor of the city of Seville was asked to cast the decisive vote and he opted for a "yes". Later, he explained that he voted yes "for the common good". Action was taken immediately and 'Fás' type courses began. It is planned to have all good-manners courses completed by the end of May 2011, before Mr Kenny or any other Irish tourist should decide to visit Seville next summer. There are courses (600 hours) on pushing and shoving. The shortest, 20 hours, deal with please and thank you, speaking with your mouth full, etc.

The complaint that one "Sevillian" actually gave Kenny the finger, with an "up yours" accompaniment, in the airport was dealt with separately. A committee of experts was convened. Prominent linguists, sociologists and psychologists met and took no time at all to draw their conclusions. Their report came out today and in it they declare that the expression "up yours" is a quintessentially working-class English expression and it is, therefore, extremely unlikely that it was used by a Spaniard.

Furthermore, it was pointed out that "up yours" is a retort, a response to an action or comment made first by another person. Conclusion: Mr Kenny must have been rude to someone and that someone was more than likely from the east end of London.

A second referendum is scheduled in which all Sevillanos will be asked a simple yes or no question. "Do you wish to see Mr David Kenny set foot in Seville again?" The result is expected to be unanimous.

Frank Spain

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