MONDAY

The boy wizard flies in for a spell – not on a Nimbus 2000 broom, but on Real Madrid's private jet. Cristiano Ronaldo, the world's most expensive footballer and artful diver, and the rest of the team, have a combined worth of half a billion euro – the sort of money to make an Irish finance minister's eyes water. The squad didn't hang around for the Irish première of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince but whizzed off to Carton House Hotel for a pre-season training camp. Fans are hoping for some magic at tomorrow's friendly against Shamrock Rovers in Tallaght.

tuesday

This time last year, it was the old saying about America sneezing and the rest of the world catching a cold that caused nervous swallowing. Now, it's the H1N1 swine-flu pandemic. Predictions are that not even a football stadium will contain the number of victims expected here as chief medical officer Dr Tony Holohan warns GPs that as many as one million sufferers could be affected.

So far, there have been 150 cases here, while in Britain two further deaths are confirmed. As a quarter of supplies of Tamiflu here are discovered to be past their sell-by date, 7.7 million doses of swine-flu vaccine have been ordered.

As the recession deepens, Mark Fielding, CEO of small-business group ISME, comments on how absenteeism due to flu will severely disrupt every workplace: "There's no way we would be able to trade our way out of something like that. It's the last thing this country needs." Could that lump in your throat be the start of a deadly dose? Will the government set up An Bord Sniff to cope? You could get feverish just worrying about it.

Wednesday

Raised temperatures pollute the air between the Greens and their "gobshite" colleagues – as former environment spokesman Ciaran Cuffe dubs Fianna Fáil – after two senators abstain from voting on the controversial Criminal Justice Bill.

Elsewhere, one of Britain's eminent QCs now has swine flu. As Cherie Blair is forced to cancel her trip to her native Liverpool to receive an honorary degree for her work in human rights, her war-endorsing husband is tipped as main contender for the job of first president of the EU (at least by the British government). Glenys Kinnock enthuses: "Blair is seen by many as someone who has the strength of character, the stature, and I think would be generally welcomed." Just that small matter of Ireland's vote on Lisbon to pass the treaty first though, Tony.

thursday

It's one small snip for a man, one giant chainsaw massacre for the rest of us. Colm McCarthy's report from the wordily-titled Special Group on Public Service Numbers and Expenditure Programmes is published, and it doesn't make great holiday reading.

It's no half-measures from An Bord Snip Nua's Half-Blood Prince who prescribes a €5.3bn slash of the public purse by measures including the axing of 17,500 state jobs, a 5% reduction in social welfare rates, and a €1.2bn cut in the HSE budget.

The figures are difficult to grasp – and just as unimaginable is the human cost resulting from negligence of patients at the Leas Cross nursing home. Publication of the investigation findings on the same day as the McCarthy report is viewed by relatives of former residents as a crafty move by the government. Like the financial crisis, no one is responsible and no one is accountable.

As the space shuttle blasts off, on the eve of the Apollo 11 launch 40 years ago, the moon looks more hospitable to world-weary citizens below.

Friday

Welcome An Bord Spin Nua as the government rebuts any cries of foul on the McCarthy report. "You cannot begin this process by stating that some areas cannot be touched," defends Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

Away from the promise of penury and pandemic, some may well be touched by the announcement of a documentary on Wayne Rooney and his wife Colleen. In typical blood sports/reality TV mode, none of the minutiae of the everyday life of the couple will be seen as too trivial to film as they wait for the birth of their first child.

Unlike Man U's former poster boy, Rooney will probably never soar on the wizardly wings of glamorous fashion endorsement or shimmy in microshorts – a relief to Paris Hilton, for one. He's a snip shy of that €93m tag too. But along with his book deals and estimated conjugal fortune of €35m, offers of €2.3m are already bid for the first snaps of the Rooney nipper.

learning curve

The cocaine entered his system through inadvertent contamination in a nightclub

French player Richard Gasquet's defence that he only tested positive for cocaine after kissing a woman in a notorious Miami club the night before failing the drugs test is accepted by the International Tennis Federation – who are no dopes, we're assured.